DUBLIN BELLYBUSTERS

Case Study: The Colossus Casino, Dublin, January 24th, 2009.

Last Saturday, I had a great night out in town celebrating my friend Eilis's Birthday. Being the lightweight that I am and not wanting to push my luck with my recovering digestive system (Thank Pariet, you lentil-shaped gastro-resistant miracle tablets!), I decided that three pints and a single G & T was my limit (a third of my 21 year old limit but 8 times my limit 3 weeks ago!) It was 2am and as I headed home, I noticed how town was weirdly quiet for a Saturday night. People finally seem to be exercising some self-restraint when it comes to boozing it up at the weekends. Vacant taxis trawled the half-empty streets (there are over 13,000 taxis in Dublin now and an estimated demand for less than 4000) and it became clear to me that The Heart of Saturday Night has moved from the pubs, nightclubs and trendy restaurants back to the comfort and relative quiet of people's homes. Everyone is broke so staying in is the new going out. I got home to discover that my flatmate Dave was off at a house-party in Tallaght and I had given my keys to the builder. I had no choice (really!) but to go to the casino until he returned.

The Colossus Casino on Montague Street is a decrepit little hole of a place, bizarrely located in two buildings on opposite sides of a narrow laneway. Six Poker tables are in one of the buildings while numerous Roulette and Blackjack Tables adorn the other. You would think this apartheid-style arrangement would keep the reckless gamblers away from the skilled game-smiths but every now and again, (and I don't know whether to blame the less than vigilant security detail for this) a lunatic slipped in.

One such lunatic was sitting across from me on the 1/2 Pot Limit Hold 'Em Table when the following hand ensued. He limped in early position, setting off a chain-reaction of limpers until it got to me on the button. I looked down at the 67 of hearts and decided it would be rude not to see a flop. I called, the SB completed and the BB checked his option. 7-handed and the flop came 589 (2 diamonds) - YAHTZEE! The blinds checked, the lunatic bet 7 Euro into a 14 Euro pot, the next guy made it 17 to go, it was folded around to me and I threw my chips into the pot, declaring "Raise it to 27!". The dealer turned to me and explained that the minimum raise is to 34. I explained to him that he was wrong. He explained to me that it was, in fact, me who was wrong - that i had to at least match the previous raise. I explained to him that in actual fact he was wrong as I had matched the previous raise of 10 (being as it is the difference between 7 and 17). He told me that my raise had to match the entire bet from the last player and was therefore 17 x 2 or 34. Knowing this to be preposterous, I asked him to get a ruling from the floor. The floor-person came over and agreed with him, explaining to me that they were the house rules. As she returned to her desk, I shot back with "So the House doesn't go by the poker rules then?" She didn't respond and instructed the dealer that the minimum raise was 34. I said "Fine, fine, whatever, 34 then!" The dealer informed me that since I didn't make a full raise my bet was actually a call. I laughed and explained that it wasn't - I had announced 'Raise' and was therefore orally bound to make the minimum raise. He disagreed. I laughed and again asked for the floor. He obliged, signaled for her return and quelle surprise, she made another incorrect ruling.

After my call, the blinds folded and it was back to the lunatic. He called and the pot was 65 going to the turn. As the dealer burnt the top card, he apologised to me for the inconvenience of what had happened. I quickly responded, 'Hey, don't worry. I asked you to get the floor and you did so thank-you for that!' Cue the lunatic: "Why don't you just shut the fuck up!" I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "Leave the man alone and stop being a fucking prick!" I answered, "I just thanked him for doing everything he could". He responded "Whatever, you're a prick". The dealer asked for order and dealt the turn card - the ace of spades. The lunatic looked at the turn card and smiled before checking. The next guy checked and I made it 35. "All-in" from the lunatic. "Re-raise all-in" from the other guy and I couldn't get my money in fast enough. Well, then the following exchange took place:

LUNATIC: Two Pair, aces and 8s!
OTHER BLOKE: Top Two!
LAPPIN: Straight.
LUNATIC: What the fuck! That's such bullshit.
LAPPIN (raking in the pot): Unlucky lads!
OTHER BLOKE: Nice Hand.
LAPPIN (smiling): Thanks!
LUNATIC: Fuck you, you lucky fucking prick!
LAPPIN: Lucky, huh?
LUNATIC (standing up): You know what you should do?
LAPPIN: What's that?
LUNATIC: Go fuck yourself!
LAPPIN (laughing): And do you know what you should do?
LUNATIC: What?
LAPPIN: Rebuy for whatever you have in your pocket and watch me take that off you in half an hour.

At this point, the lunatic dug deep, turning his pockets inside-out, spilling the contents onto the table - tissues, sweet-wrappers and loads of scrunched up 5 and 10 Euro notes. He cobbled together about 80 Euro and reloaded. I laughed. About 40 minutes later the following hand took place:

3 Limpers (inc. LUNATIC), I completed from the SB with the 53 of diamonds, BB checks. Flop came 678 - all diamonds! Bingo, Bango, Bongo! (I decided, at this point that I might give Live Poker a try if this dealer would agree to follow me around the circuit.) First to act, I bet the pot (nothing subtle with such a vulnerable hand!). I nonchalantly throw two 5 Euro chips over the line. BB folds. Lunatic calls as does one other. Pot is 40 Euro. Turn comes a black Queen. I bet the pot. Lunatic calls. Other bloke folds. 120 Euro in the pot. Lunatic has about 60 Euro back (He had won a hand in the interim). River comes a black 2. I put him all-in. He insta-called, jumped to his feet and slammed his cards face-up on the table - "Fuckin' straight!" Saying nothing, I showed my cards and the dealer began pushing the pot in my direction. "What the fuck?", he says, "I have 95!". The dealer answers, "But he has the flush, Sir". The lunatic shoved his chair into the table and stormed out, slamming the door.

About three minutes later, he returned to ask another guy at the table (Who knew - he had a friend!) for taxi-money. His friend took three 5 Euro chips off the top of his stack asnd handed them to him. I couldn't resist intervening. "He can't do that!" The dealer looked across at them mid-transaction and explained that he was not allowed to take chips off the table. The following verbal exchange followed:

LUNATIC: What the fuck?
DEALER: I'm sorry sir but that's the rule. (OMFG - a correct ruling for a change!)
LUNATIC (To friend): Do you have any cash on you?
FRIEND: No, man. I only have my pass-card.
LUNATIC (Taking the three chips off the top of his stack): Look it's only 15 Euro.
LAPPIN (To Dealer): No way. He's not allowed do that!
LUNATIC: Stay out of this you prick!
LAPPIN: Maybe you should have left yourself enough money to get home.
LUNATIC: Fuck you!
DEALER (To Friend): If you give him your chips, you have to leave the table.
LAPPIN: Hey dick-head, why don't you stop making a scene and just walk home?
LUNATIC: Shut up you prick!
FRIEND (handing the Lunatic him his pass-card): Here, take out 20 and bring it back to me.

The lunatic took the card, headed out to the ATM and returned 10 minutes later. He handed his friend back his card, eyeballed me while thanking him and for the 3rd time in 15 minutes, took the long ignominious walk of shame, exiting the casino stage right. GG!

1 LAPPIN loves bacon
2 LAPPIN drives a car with no radio and expects you to sing on long journeys
3 LAPPIN is really bad at asking for directions  
4 LAPPIN's idea of a workout at the gym is dipping his feet in the jacuzzi while finishing a book   
5 LAPPIN will make an amazing dad someday
6 LAPPIN always leaves the suds on dishes after washing them
7 LAPPIN would love to be a food and movie critic
8 LAPPIN models himself on Frasier Crane
9 LAPPIN is sometimes more like Niles Crane
10 LAPPIN hates the sentiment 'Everything happens for a Reason!'

1 LAPPIN hates these kinds of lists
2 LAPPIN loves to cook for his girlfriend
3 LAPPIN loves to go out for dinner with his girlfriend even more than number 2
4 LAPPIN is frightened by the concept of 9 to 5
5 LAPPIN misses caffeine so fuckin' much!
6 LAPPIN is first and foremost a philosopher
7 LAPPIN thinks FACEBOOK is the single biggest waste of people's time
8 LAPPIN hasn't got a favourite movie but can probably narrow it to a top 10 if you're interested
9 LAPPIN doesn't like cricket - he loves it!
10 LAPPIN needs to be more patient
11 LAPPIN bought tickets to multiple nights of the same Tom Waits concert
12 LAPPIN is currently in the top 0.03% of online poker players worldwide
13 LAPPIN is very careful with his money
14 LAPPIN ravels and unravels his hair because it makes him feel like he is in control
15 LAPPIN has always been attracted to older women
16 LAPPIN gets sexually aroused when he makes a sick call with Q high and successfully sniffs out an opponent's bluff
17 LAPPIN has excellent gay-dar and thinks everybody is gay
18 LAPPIN believes the current financial crisis is going to end in catastrophe
19 LAPPIN prefers a quiet bar to a thumping nightclub
20 LAPPIN's last meal would be a beautifully pan-seared piece of Foie Gras finished off with a reassuringly expensive glass of Sauterne
21 LAPPIN has attended the Oscars
22 LAPPIN has a small mouth but a loud voice
23 LAPPIN has kidney stones and expects to be thrown a shower by his friends and family before birthing them
24 LAPPIN has a new-found love of cats
25 LAPPIN wishes the Atlantic Ocean was a lot smaller

For the third and final installment of my exciting blog trilogy, I want to tackle head on a number of the burning issues concerning everyone at the moment.

Q
1. Did Britney really lip-synch at the X-Factor Finale?
2. Is Barack Obama descended from Jesus Christ and will he save us?
3. How the fuck did the world get into such a financial mess?

A
1. Yes.
2. No and no. Dan Brown's new literary triumph 'The Donatello Cypher' clearly shows that he is actually descended from space aliens, a fact originally covered up by L. Ron Hubbard, a secret still protected to this day by Tom Cruise, John Travolta and other members of the SAG (Scientologists of America Guild)
3. This is a tricky one. So rather than actually answer it, let me tell you about a recent game of monopoly that I played.

Last weekend, I visited by family in Laois. On Sunday, the seven of us sat down to a evening of the world's favourite board-game - how very retro! As the game developed, I managed to negotiate an elaborate swap with both my father and sister to secure the red trio of properties and thus, the potential to develop them. This deal severely depleted my cash reserves but I felt if I was to have a chance to compete, it was a necessary trade-off. Two rounds of the board later, during which I had safely avoided my father's and brother's hotels, I decided it was time to go for broke. It was time to gamble. I mortgaged all my properties with the exception of the red trio and Dublin Airport which I sold to my sister for 800. Most of the players were coming round to my area of the board so I put every penny i had into houses and hotels. If one of them landed on my property, I would make 60% of my money back and if two of them did, I would be in profit for this high-risk, high-yield move.

Over the course of the next ten minutes, they all miraculously rolled the exact numbers necessary to fall between or skip past my hotel strip. Suddenly the dice were handed back to me. I rolled a 9 and landed on chance - Oooooh how exciting, I thought. Maybe some advance to GO action. Nearly but not quite. ADVANCE TO SHREWSBURY ROAD - the Irish Monopoly's purple flagship property, where the housing developer (My Father) had recently taken a similar risk to me and erected a beautiful and expensive 5-star hotel. My father jumped up and down making animal sounds (a display unbefitting his 55 years) His gamble had paid off (or so it seemed) and I was broke. Unable to stump up the cash to pay him, I went into receivership. After a brief foreclosure sale of my assets, I declared myself a bad debt and gave him everything I had (less than a third of the payment he was due). Nonetheless, he pumped his chest like a horny gorilla. 

Well I was barely off my chair when he took his turn, rolling an 8. COMMUNITY CHEST. He picked up the card. YOU ARE ASSESSED FOR STREET REPAIRS: £40 PER HOUSE, £115 PER HOTEL. He yelled in pain. He owned 20 houses and 5 hotels. I rushed back to the table to fulfill my banking duties. "That will be 1345 please. Oh no, you don't seem to have the cash - let me help you sell your hotels and houses." Having given up over half of his empire in one fell swoop, I reminded him that he had rolled a double and had to go again. This time a 9. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.....NO! Grafton Street, his wife's green property adorned with a charming 4-star hotel. "That'll be 1650", said Kate and with that he was cleaned out. GG!

Over the past decade, investment bankers have behaved more like Blackjack players, stockbrokers like crapshooters. Politicians have enabled them and the general public have demonstrated unparalleled greed. There is currently 3 times as much retail space in Ireland as there needs to be. There is perhaps more in America. Over the next 18 months, the face of Ireland will change significantly. Recently developed shopping parks will be turned into warehouses. The value of property will continue to decline. 20% of the country will be unemployed. Free College education will be scrapped. Funding for the Arts will be halfed. Public transport will deteriorate (further). Restaurants and bars will close. Starbucks might even leave (So not all bad news then!) As of yesterday, the Irish people own Anglo-Irish Bank (the John Wayne of cowboy banks) and the nationalisation of many others big companies is on the horizon. With that, the nation is taking on the burden of these 'toxic skip' companies because a great number of over-paid fuckwits didn't do their jobs responsibly.

With our tails between our legs, my father and I retired to the sittingroom to watch a bit of TV. The news was reporting on the knock-on effect of the closure of Waterford Crystal - the supply companies, the tourism centre, the deli on the corner all out of business. My father and I had chanced our arms in the hope of getting rich quick. We rolled the dice and came up craps. Our mistake was we didn't think about consequences. We didn't manage our risk well. Would we learn from our mistakes the next time we played? Probably not. And why should we? Sure, it's only a game.

December represented a turning point in my poker life. I consistently went deep in MTTs and managed to win almost double what I had ever won in a month previously. Many of my friends in the online poker community, in particular those on the badbeatspoker.net forum, have asked me to what I attribute my new-found MTT success. In short, I am playing more of them, I have developed a more extreme game (going from extremely tight in the first hour to maniacally aggressive after the introduction of antes), my bubble play is now fearless (bordering on reckless) and in general, I have a much clearer idea of what line I am going to take in a hand.

I played significantly less for the week of Christmas but stepped it up again in the new year. January started brightly as I took down Full Tilt's $11500 Guarantee for over 3K and followed it up with winning the nightly $24 Heads-Up Tourney for about $1200. I won 8 head-to-heads in a row to take it down and I can say in all honesty that I didn't bad-beat a single opponent for a significant pot until the final match where I cracked aces. The flop gave me the nut flush draw with one over and I re-shipped my stack versus an aggressive opponent. He insta-called with his aces and I insta-hit the turn. UL & GG.

Just a few days ago, I made my fist significant cash on Pokerstars, having made a $600 deposit just before Christmas to avail of their 25% promotional bonus. It was the $10k Guarantee ($10 one rebuy, one add-on) and it took an epoch to complete. Six hours in and I had $700K and a commanding chip-lead with 40 remaining. The next nearest in chips had 480K and in true randomised seating fashion, he was sitting two to my right. The 3rd, 4th and 6th place players were also seated at our 'table of death'. I picked up aces in the BB (such a lovely place to have them!) and waited with spider-like patience to see who would take an interest in the hand. A standard raise to 20K from mid-position got me licking my chops and a re-raise all-in for 105K from the Cut-Off had me positively salivating. When the button smooth-called, i had to wipe the drool off my keyboard. I had to raise but how much to keep my Button-wielding friend and his 480K stack interested. I decided that with over 250K already in there, it was prudent to chop my playable stack, (after all, the smooth call from the Button could be an indication of super strength and I wanted to give him a chance to get it all in with QQ or KK). I made it 240K, the original raiser folded and the button called. How peculiar I thought that he would call half his stack against the only player in the tourney that had him covered. Oh well, we're all-in on any flop anyway. The flop came k93 and I shipped it. He calls with pocket 9s and takes down a humungous pot.

Well I was left with just over 200K (about the chip-average) and had to rebuild. Another hour past and it was final table time. I was 4th of 9 with 1.1 million chips. Well never since the '07 WSOP Final Table did I ever see such donktastic play. Players got it all-in preflop with hands like 44 versus k9 and 66 versus a7 and in jig-time we were 6-handed. The chipleader sat on 3.4 million chips but inexplicably he was next out. The one other decent player at the table went bananas, reraising the UTG raiser with 85o and walking into 1010. 4-handed, the guy to my immediate left decided that his only raise would be an all-in one and he proceeded to ship it 6 of the next 7 hands. At this point it is worth noting that he had 1.6 million and the blinds were only 30K/60K. Anyway, this tactic actually worked the first 5 times until he eventually got called by AJ. His J4 hit a 4-card flush and he was the chipleader with 4 million 3-handed. I was the shortstack with 1.3 million and the other guy had 2.2 million. I doubled up with 88 versus a2 and then took down another decent sized pot to become the chipleader with 3.6 million. It looked to be all falling into place until my QJ on a Q42 board failed to hold against the nut flush draw. I was suddenly shorty again and got it all-in soon after with a10. My opponent had 44 and they held to knock me out in 3rd for $2300. 8 long hours but a nice cash at the end of it!

It's been a busy four weeks - Christmas, the denouement of the Bellybusters season, the New year, flying back to Dublin, catching up with friends/family, having my apartment renovated and of course, feasting at the poker tables. I will attempt to write a flurry of blogs in the next day or two so that I can control-alt-delete them from my brain and begin again to form new memories.

First things first: Christmas is stupid. The two weeks of preparation (I am aware that two weeks is not excessive by some standards) is so time-consuming - the tree shopping (I played hardball with a charming Canadian man and got $5 off our perfectly proportioned beauty!), the food shopping (my mother's discovery of WHOLE FOODS - a veritable Candyland for those of a Vegan/Coeliac/non-dairy and sugar disposition), the shopping shopping (Michelle's perpetual cycle of purchase, return and re-purchase). I just don't get it. The religious significance of the day has no meaning for the vast majority and as a festival of wasteful consumerism, it makes even less sense in the current economic climate. Anyhoo, that's enough bah-humbug!

Congratulations to the Bellybuster victors. Luke Ginnell trounced us all in the Classic, Jacaranda controversially nicked the High-Roller from Dr Fill who himself was the All-Rounder champion of 2008 while I took the $10 Turbo Title. The following are a brief list of noteworthy Bellybuster stats for the '08 season:

*41 tournament were held.
*65 different players turned out (50 in the Classic, 51 in the Turbo and 25 in the High-Roller), 39 of whom played 3 tourneys or more.
*LAPPIN played 40 of the 41 tourneys, Phishingirl played 33, Rounder63 played 26, Robocoonor played 24 and Thefloof played 22.
*LAPPIN finished in the money 17 times with eight wins, four 2nds and five 3rds, Dr Fill was ITM 11 times with three wins, three 2nds and 5 3rds while Phishingirl was ITM 8 times with 0 wins, three 2nds and 5 thirds.
*GINNELL came 4th on 5 occasions out of his 14 games
*Dr Fill won 3 back to back High-Roller tourneys
*Galactus X had the most number of last place finishes with 4 yet was tied for the second biggest number of 1st place finishes with 3.
*Mark Tully finished in the bottom half of 12 of his 14 tourneys and in the bottom 3 in 9 of them.
*Three of Full Tilt's affiliated pros joined us - Michael Craig, Joe Beevers and Adam Noone.

There will be a new season starting up very soon - either this weekend or next with a whole host of new games being included in the tournament roster. As of now, the schedule looks something like this but it is of course subject to change:

SUNDAY, 16.00ET - CLASSIC - $5 - NLHE
SUNDAY, 16.30ET - OMAHA - $5 - PLO
SUNDAY, 17.00ET - THE 69er - $69 - NLHE

WEDNESDAY, 16.00ET - HYPNO - $2 TURBO REBUY - NLHE
WEDNESDAY, 17.00ET - NITRO - $3.50 SUPER TURBO - AIOF HOLD 'EM
WEDNESDAY, 20.00ET - INSOMNIAC - $24 TURBO KO ($10 PER KO) - NLHE