DUBLIN BELLYBUSTERS

Case Study: The Colossus Casino, Dublin, January 24th, 2009.

Last Saturday, I had a great night out in town celebrating my friend Eilis's Birthday. Being the lightweight that I am and not wanting to push my luck with my recovering digestive system (Thank Pariet, you lentil-shaped gastro-resistant miracle tablets!), I decided that three pints and a single G & T was my limit (a third of my 21 year old limit but 8 times my limit 3 weeks ago!) It was 2am and as I headed home, I noticed how town was weirdly quiet for a Saturday night. People finally seem to be exercising some self-restraint when it comes to boozing it up at the weekends. Vacant taxis trawled the half-empty streets (there are over 13,000 taxis in Dublin now and an estimated demand for less than 4000) and it became clear to me that The Heart of Saturday Night has moved from the pubs, nightclubs and trendy restaurants back to the comfort and relative quiet of people's homes. Everyone is broke so staying in is the new going out. I got home to discover that my flatmate Dave was off at a house-party in Tallaght and I had given my keys to the builder. I had no choice (really!) but to go to the casino until he returned.

The Colossus Casino on Montague Street is a decrepit little hole of a place, bizarrely located in two buildings on opposite sides of a narrow laneway. Six Poker tables are in one of the buildings while numerous Roulette and Blackjack Tables adorn the other. You would think this apartheid-style arrangement would keep the reckless gamblers away from the skilled game-smiths but every now and again, (and I don't know whether to blame the less than vigilant security detail for this) a lunatic slipped in.

One such lunatic was sitting across from me on the 1/2 Pot Limit Hold 'Em Table when the following hand ensued. He limped in early position, setting off a chain-reaction of limpers until it got to me on the button. I looked down at the 67 of hearts and decided it would be rude not to see a flop. I called, the SB completed and the BB checked his option. 7-handed and the flop came 589 (2 diamonds) - YAHTZEE! The blinds checked, the lunatic bet 7 Euro into a 14 Euro pot, the next guy made it 17 to go, it was folded around to me and I threw my chips into the pot, declaring "Raise it to 27!". The dealer turned to me and explained that the minimum raise is to 34. I explained to him that he was wrong. He explained to me that it was, in fact, me who was wrong - that i had to at least match the previous raise. I explained to him that in actual fact he was wrong as I had matched the previous raise of 10 (being as it is the difference between 7 and 17). He told me that my raise had to match the entire bet from the last player and was therefore 17 x 2 or 34. Knowing this to be preposterous, I asked him to get a ruling from the floor. The floor-person came over and agreed with him, explaining to me that they were the house rules. As she returned to her desk, I shot back with "So the House doesn't go by the poker rules then?" She didn't respond and instructed the dealer that the minimum raise was 34. I said "Fine, fine, whatever, 34 then!" The dealer informed me that since I didn't make a full raise my bet was actually a call. I laughed and explained that it wasn't - I had announced 'Raise' and was therefore orally bound to make the minimum raise. He disagreed. I laughed and again asked for the floor. He obliged, signaled for her return and quelle surprise, she made another incorrect ruling.

After my call, the blinds folded and it was back to the lunatic. He called and the pot was 65 going to the turn. As the dealer burnt the top card, he apologised to me for the inconvenience of what had happened. I quickly responded, 'Hey, don't worry. I asked you to get the floor and you did so thank-you for that!' Cue the lunatic: "Why don't you just shut the fuck up!" I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "Leave the man alone and stop being a fucking prick!" I answered, "I just thanked him for doing everything he could". He responded "Whatever, you're a prick". The dealer asked for order and dealt the turn card - the ace of spades. The lunatic looked at the turn card and smiled before checking. The next guy checked and I made it 35. "All-in" from the lunatic. "Re-raise all-in" from the other guy and I couldn't get my money in fast enough. Well, then the following exchange took place:

LUNATIC: Two Pair, aces and 8s!
OTHER BLOKE: Top Two!
LAPPIN: Straight.
LUNATIC: What the fuck! That's such bullshit.
LAPPIN (raking in the pot): Unlucky lads!
OTHER BLOKE: Nice Hand.
LAPPIN (smiling): Thanks!
LUNATIC: Fuck you, you lucky fucking prick!
LAPPIN: Lucky, huh?
LUNATIC (standing up): You know what you should do?
LAPPIN: What's that?
LUNATIC: Go fuck yourself!
LAPPIN (laughing): And do you know what you should do?
LUNATIC: What?
LAPPIN: Rebuy for whatever you have in your pocket and watch me take that off you in half an hour.

At this point, the lunatic dug deep, turning his pockets inside-out, spilling the contents onto the table - tissues, sweet-wrappers and loads of scrunched up 5 and 10 Euro notes. He cobbled together about 80 Euro and reloaded. I laughed. About 40 minutes later the following hand took place:

3 Limpers (inc. LUNATIC), I completed from the SB with the 53 of diamonds, BB checks. Flop came 678 - all diamonds! Bingo, Bango, Bongo! (I decided, at this point that I might give Live Poker a try if this dealer would agree to follow me around the circuit.) First to act, I bet the pot (nothing subtle with such a vulnerable hand!). I nonchalantly throw two 5 Euro chips over the line. BB folds. Lunatic calls as does one other. Pot is 40 Euro. Turn comes a black Queen. I bet the pot. Lunatic calls. Other bloke folds. 120 Euro in the pot. Lunatic has about 60 Euro back (He had won a hand in the interim). River comes a black 2. I put him all-in. He insta-called, jumped to his feet and slammed his cards face-up on the table - "Fuckin' straight!" Saying nothing, I showed my cards and the dealer began pushing the pot in my direction. "What the fuck?", he says, "I have 95!". The dealer answers, "But he has the flush, Sir". The lunatic shoved his chair into the table and stormed out, slamming the door.

About three minutes later, he returned to ask another guy at the table (Who knew - he had a friend!) for taxi-money. His friend took three 5 Euro chips off the top of his stack asnd handed them to him. I couldn't resist intervening. "He can't do that!" The dealer looked across at them mid-transaction and explained that he was not allowed to take chips off the table. The following verbal exchange followed:

LUNATIC: What the fuck?
DEALER: I'm sorry sir but that's the rule. (OMFG - a correct ruling for a change!)
LUNATIC (To friend): Do you have any cash on you?
FRIEND: No, man. I only have my pass-card.
LUNATIC (Taking the three chips off the top of his stack): Look it's only 15 Euro.
LAPPIN (To Dealer): No way. He's not allowed do that!
LUNATIC: Stay out of this you prick!
LAPPIN: Maybe you should have left yourself enough money to get home.
LUNATIC: Fuck you!
DEALER (To Friend): If you give him your chips, you have to leave the table.
LAPPIN: Hey dick-head, why don't you stop making a scene and just walk home?
LUNATIC: Shut up you prick!
FRIEND (handing the Lunatic him his pass-card): Here, take out 20 and bring it back to me.

The lunatic took the card, headed out to the ATM and returned 10 minutes later. He handed his friend back his card, eyeballed me while thanking him and for the 3rd time in 15 minutes, took the long ignominious walk of shame, exiting the casino stage right. GG!

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